January 22nd, 2012 by Theresa

It is no secret that I hate vampires.  There are many reasons for my level of distaste.  The main reason?  Burn out.  I have read – and wrote about vampires for the past 20 years.  I am DONE.  Now that does not mean I do not enjoy a good vampire movie or two providing there are many ways that vampires die.

How to kill a vampire let me count the ways:

1:  For the traditionalist there is the ever-present wooden stake to the heart.  While easy to get through metal detectors and compostable, not so good on the environment.  My advice?  Recycle and Reuse wood.  Hey, is there some kind of service I can start for Green Vampire Hunters?  Regardless, you can take your pick of flashy ways the body disintegrates – as long as the bloodsucker ends up dead.

2: Depending on your type of vampire, there is sun light or UV light.  This is one of my personal favorites.  Nothing starts my day off right like frying a fanged fiend.  However, do not get cocky.  Please be sure to keep extra batteries in the vehicle when you go hunting.  One word of warning, some vampires are smart.  They have learned to use sunblock or sunscreen 5000 SPF.  Here is where our next way of killing vampires comes in handy.

3: On the topic of garlic, it depends on your type of vampire.  Whether half or whole be sure to add lemon juice and holy water to your garlic concoction.  That way should neither the garlic nor the water work, the lemon juice will stop them in their tracks for precious seconds (and if they are wearing sunblock will wash away some of it) – for you to stake them.

4: Silver weapons are farther down the list as they are a relatively new way of killing the undead.  Sure it works for werewolves and some shifters, but only recently and only for some kind of vampires.  To be on the safe side use your sober weapon of choice to blow their heads off then take your handy with a stake and finish the job.  The double tap rule is in effect here.

Five: The trickiest way to kill a vampire is to get his friends to do it for you.  It takes cunning and determination and is doable – especially with the stupid ones.  Once you have them  betraying each other, sit back relax and watch the show –  keeping your stake handy.

Those are my top five ways to smite your average every day vampire.  “But Tee,” you say “what about holy water?”  My response?  What if your vampire was a Buddhist?  Yeah I thought so!

So how many ways would you kill a vampire?

garlic, holy water, silver, stake, vampires, writing

January 11th, 2012 by Theresa

Few things will start arguements in the south like the topisc of food and football. The latter we won’t get into. I love the New Orleans Saints win or lose. The former is the source of my snobbery. One thing I am extremely picky about is Red Velvet Cake.

Photo courtesy of Stu Spivack

Many will say that it’s just chocolate cake with red food coloring. THESE PEOPLE ARE WRONG – mostly. The original recipe had cocoa in it  – which is different than chocolate. Trust me on this. If anyone tells you different,  just smile, nod and never eat their cooking.

The original cake had cocoa in it. Not the “Dutch Processed” kind we use today. Older recipes also had vinegar and buttermilk on their ingredient list. Add those three things and you’ll get a red  or reddish brown batter.

Now for the icing. I’m sure that the cream cheese frosting is very nice. Do yourself a favor. Try a homemade buttercream. I promise you’ll like it. The flavors are much lighter and balanced better.  I recently had a girlfriend make this for me. I ate most that cake myself. It was that good! For those who are wondering, the link to said recipe she used is here.

Be sure to show me pictures if you make the cake!

TB

Cake, football, Receipe, Red Velvet, saints