January 22nd, 2012 by Theresa

It is no secret that I hate vampires.  There are many reasons for my level of distaste.  The main reason?  Burn out.  I have read – and wrote about vampires for the past 20 years.  I am DONE.  Now that does not mean I do not enjoy a good vampire movie or two providing there are many ways that vampires die.

How to kill a vampire let me count the ways:

1:  For the traditionalist there is the ever-present wooden stake to the heart.  While easy to get through metal detectors and compostable, not so good on the environment.  My advice?  Recycle and Reuse wood.  Hey, is there some kind of service I can start for Green Vampire Hunters?  Regardless, you can take your pick of flashy ways the body disintegrates – as long as the bloodsucker ends up dead.

2: Depending on your type of vampire, there is sun light or UV light.  This is one of my personal favorites.  Nothing starts my day off right like frying a fanged fiend.  However, do not get cocky.  Please be sure to keep extra batteries in the vehicle when you go hunting.  One word of warning, some vampires are smart.  They have learned to use sunblock or sunscreen 5000 SPF.  Here is where our next way of killing vampires comes in handy.

3: On the topic of garlic, it depends on your type of vampire.  Whether half or whole be sure to add lemon juice and holy water to your garlic concoction.  That way should neither the garlic nor the water work, the lemon juice will stop them in their tracks for precious seconds (and if they are wearing sunblock will wash away some of it) – for you to stake them.

4: Silver weapons are farther down the list as they are a relatively new way of killing the undead.  Sure it works for werewolves and some shifters, but only recently and only for some kind of vampires.  To be on the safe side use your sober weapon of choice to blow their heads off then take your handy with a stake and finish the job.  The double tap rule is in effect here.

Five: The trickiest way to kill a vampire is to get his friends to do it for you.  It takes cunning and determination and is doable – especially with the stupid ones.  Once you have them  betraying each other, sit back relax and watch the show –  keeping your stake handy.

Those are my top five ways to smite your average every day vampire.  “But Tee,” you say “what about holy water?”  My response?  What if your vampire was a Buddhist?  Yeah I thought so!

So how many ways would you kill a vampire?

garlic, holy water, silver, stake, vampires, writing